THE five minute EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE (EI) NEWSLETTER - by Johanna Vanderpol
Because of the masses of
information we are subject to each day, I have purposely kept this newsletter
brief. As a regular subscriber, this is a good way to increase your
emotional intelligence little by little, day by day. Each issue will have an
action step or exercise designed to increase your EI. This is my gift to you.
Enjoy.
ISSUE
THIRTEEN, NOVEMBER, 2007
1. This Newsletter's Theme
- Lifting the Emotional Burden of Judgment
2. Did you know? - Social
Intelligence, It's health implications for Introverts and
Extroverts
3. Quote - From the
spiritual writings on Judgment
4. Action step for you -
Feel Better
5. Services & Products
for you - Support for your life
1. Lifting the
emotional burden of self-judgment and judgment of
others
Negative self-judgment is the key
to creating chronic depression. Judgment of others is the key to conflict,
disappointment and unfulfilling relationships. So why do we keep hanging on to
these ways of being? And what emotions and beliefs are driving us to and away
from these ways of being? Is all judgment bad? And what is the difference
between judgment and discernment? What does this have to do with
emotions?
Whoa. Lots of questions. Let's
start with some basic premises. Judgment has gotten a bad rap over the years.
Not all judgment is bad. We need a sense of good judgment to navigate our way
through life. Our judgment will spring from our values and allow us to live in
alignment with our values and create self-respect. However, all of us carry some
degree of judgment that slams ourselves and other people as bad. And all of us
have some judgments based on inaccurate beliefs about ourselves and the world.
This is where we run into trouble. This is where negative self-judgment leads to
smaller thinking of what's possible for us to do in our lifetime, low
self-esteem, anxiety and depression. And excessive judgment of others without it
being balanced by compassion and understanding leads to conflict and
disappointment in relationships. And the emotions generated by negative and
inaccurate judgment are also negative and have a detrimental effect on our mind
and body. So, what to do? This is where discernment comes in.
We need our judgment to guide us
in deciding what we will accept in our life that is in alignment with our
values, goals and beliefs. We need our judgment to create an external
environment of people, places and activities that nourish our soul and activate
our potential. We need our judgment to steer clear of people, places and
activities that erode our soul and limit activation of our potential. We need
our judgment of ourselves and our internal environment to create internal course
corrections and to monitor when we are on the right track. Our emotions will
tell us when we are on the right track. There will be a feeling of "Yeah, this
is right." We need our judgment of our internal environment to determine what
thoughts we think and activities we choose that are good for us or not good for
us. When confusion sets in, we need to search for the conflicting beliefs or
values within ourselves that are not allowing us to be clear about our
direction. We need to sort out the mental chatter that comes from external and
internal "shoulds" that are not in alignment with our highest good. This is the
true reason for honouring our sense of judgment. Judgment need not be a dirty
word.
So, when does judgment become
counter-productive? Negative self-judgment is counter productive. Most of this
comes from adopting earlier critical voices from our family, school, culture and
experiences. The key to turning this around is to become aware of a thought that
is negative of self and replacing it with a thought that is positive toward
self. If there is any true negative to honour, it would be wise to make sure it
is an accurate self-judgment and then to accept oneself in spite of it, forgive
oneself, learn from it and put action steps in place to improve that part of
yourself. But it would not be wise to continually punish the self for something
you didn't like. Negative judgment of others can come from a lack of intolerance
of oneself (projection) as well as conditioning through early models and
culture. But you have the choice to view people with compassion and
understanding and a genuine frame of inquiry about that person. If you come from
this intention, your dealings with other people and your judgment of them will
be different. You won't be embroiled in anger as much and will be freed up to
experience more positive emotions and interactions with others. On the other
hand, it is wise to know when the negative judgment of others is accurate and
can be used as a guide to determine who will be in your sphere of influence.
Sometimes the judgment will help you steer clear of situations or people that
are harmful to you.
These are just a few thoughts on
the positive and negative side of judgment. It is better to know the whole
picture of judgment instead of just seeing it as a bad way to be. When we ask
ourselves if our judgment is accurate, in line with our values and we give
ourselves permission to have people in our lives who are nourishing to our
souls, we will minimize negative emotions, experience more positive emotions and
have a clear map for navigating through each day of our lives.
2. Did you know?
I have been reading a
new book called Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. It stresses the
importance of relationships (family, spouse, friends, colleagues, acquaintances,
peers) to our health and well-being and is based on science. I heartily
recommend this book to anyone who would like to increase their happiness and
well-being and suspect that their relationships with other need to be enhanced.
This is especially important for introverts and people who have been raised to
model isolation practices (like me). We can still find and develop what is
optimal for ourselves in our own social networks. It will abate loneliness and
increase positive emotions and meaning in our lives. Give yourself permission to
skip paragraphs in the book that don't feel relevant to you, otherwise, it can
be a long read. Here is an review on the book from Scientific
American.
From Scientific
American
We all recognize a special capacity that humans
have—some more so than others—to connect with others in a deep and direct way.
We see this quality expressed by a performer revving a crowd, a doctor healing a
patient or a mother putting a child to sleep. To orchestrate these tasks, a
person must sense and stimulate the reactions and mood of another. In 1995
Daniel Goleman, a Harvard University–trained psychologist and writer for the New
York Times, published Emotional Intelligence, in which he discussed the human
ability "to manage our own emotions and inner potential for positive
relationships." Now he goes a step further. In Social Intelligence, he enlarges
his scope to encompass our human abilities to connect with one another. "We are
wired to connect," Goleman says. "Neuroscience has discovered that our brain’s
very design makes it sociable, inexorably drawn into an intimate brain-to-brain
linkup whenever we engage with another person. That neural bridge lets us affect
the brain—and so the body—of everyone we interact with, just as they do us."
Each encounter between people primes the emotions. This neurological pas de deux
stimulates our nervous systems, affecting hormones, heart rate, circulation,
breathing and the immune system. Goleman peppers his discourse with anecdotes to
illustrate the power of social intelligence. From the countertop of Rosie
Garcia, a multitasking baker in New York’s Grand Central Terminal, to the
tantrum-tainted class of a Texas teacher, he shows how social sensitivity and
wisdom can profoundly reshape conflicts. In one encounter in Iraq, a
quick-witted U.S. commander turned a Muslim mob’s threats into laughter when he
ordered his soldiers to kneel, lower rifl es and smile—averting a potentially
fatal clash. Goleman deftly discusses relevant neural pathways, including the
thalamus and amygdala, which together regulate sensory and arousal stimuli. He
speaks of spindle cells, which rapidly process social decisions; of mirror
neurons, which sense another’s movements; of dopamine neurons, which react to
pleasure-inducing neurotransmitters that flow freely while two lovers gaze. The
author’s introductory tour through this emerging research landscape helps
readers grasp core concepts of social neuroscience, illustrating abstractions
with poignant anecdotes, without excessive jargon. Goleman also explains how
such research may influence our lives. Given our socially reactive brains, we
must "be wise," he says, and be aware of the ways that our moods influence the
biology of each life we touch.
3. Quote
- Thoughts on judgment from the spiritual
writings
Here is a quote
that reminds us of the basics from which we can "judge" our fellow human
being:
210. O Children of Men! Do ye know
why We have created you from one clay? That no one should glorify himself over
the other. Be ye mindful of how you were created. Since We created you all from
the same substance, ye must be as one soul, walking with the same feet, eating
with one mouth and living in one land, that ye may manifest with your being, and
by your deeds and actions, the signs of unity and the spirit of oneness. This is
My Counsel to you, O people of Lights! Therefore follow it, that ye may attain
the fruits of holiness from the Tree of Might and Power.
(Compilations, Baha'i Scriptures, p. 175)
4. Action step
for you
Try this: Listen to your thoughts
for one day or even the next ten minutes. Notice the judgments you make of
yourself. Now, each time you notice a judgment of yourself that is not enhancing
your higher self, re-word it so that you are making a more positive statement
about yourself. See what happens. What new feelings do you get as a result of
this and what do those feelings tell you about yourself. It's a good one. Go for
it! This can be the key to lifting depression, a mood or activating your
potential each day.
5. Services & Products
for you
The Companion Workbook to
"Honouring Your Emotions" is back in electronic form as a 21-day E-course at the
Introductory Price of only $10
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easily, experience more positive emotion and reduce negative emotion. When you
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The entire program is available for the first two hundred subscribers
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Want to read the book first?
"Honouring Your Emotions: Why it
Matters" is a groundbreaking book showing us the guidance
contained in our emotions, the neurobiological messages of emotions and a
groundbreaking 5-step model on how to process our emotions so that they benefit
and augment our lives, so they are our guests and we are not their slaves. To
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Until next time
Regards to all of you
Johanna Vanderpol
Emotional Intelligence Coaching,
Speaking, Telecourses
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